† †

SAMPLES FROM "Penguins Don't Play Beachball" by David Axton

Humorous
followed by Serious

The Plumber's Mate

The wife of the plumber sits waiting at home
But she doesn't just twiddle each thumb -
She alters the waist of his new pair of jeans
To make sure he can show off his bum.

***

Change Of Address

Dear friend, please note that my address
Has changed since you were last my guest,
When you just walked in through my door
And one week's stay turned into four.
You made me sit up late at nights
While you put all the world to rights
But every day you'd stay in bed
While I went out with aching head.
And later with the setting sun
I found the dishes still weren't done
And there you were just watching "Cheers"
Drinking one of my cold beers.
You took control of my whole life
I'm sure you thought I was your wife
And when at last you went your way
Not a penny did you pay.
So now I've moved you'll want to know
And maybe come again - and so
In case you feel that way disposed
My new address is not enclosed.

***

A limerick

A crossword compiler from Crewe
Had never had sex it was true
So she tried a young man
In the back of a van
But sadly he hadn't a clue

***

The Walrus And The Dentist

The elderly walrus was a sad old fellow
Whose teeth were turning extremely yellow
He had such pain from one large tusk
That all he could eat was a soggy rusk
Gone for him was the shellfish diet,
Which meant that meals were very quiet.

Then along came a dentist from Enfield Chase
Who'd been called in just for this case
He asked the walrus to open wide
And then had a jolly good look inside
But when he emerged he looked like death
'Cos there's nothing as bad as a walrus' bad breath.

He said, "We'll need anaesthetic before we begin"
And promptly downed a bottle of gin
Then pushed and tugged, hammered and drilled
Until two teeth were finally filled
And one large tusk lay on the floor
Next to the dentist, who'd started to snore.

The walrus explored his mouth with his tongue
Quite pleased with what the dentist had done
For the crunching of shellfish could now begin
And he grinned a very lopsided grin
While the dentist dreamt of presenting his account
'Cos a very large tusk meant a very large amount.

***

A Day By The Sea, 1980

'Where shall we go?' I asked, and they said
The beach was the place to be
So we loaded the car and after an hour
I was parked a mile from the sea.

We walked to the beach, me, my wife and the kids,
With arms full of all we would need:
Buckets and spades and bats and balls
And things for a jolly good feed.

I laid out a blanket with a rock on each corner
And said it was time we should eat,
Then stubbed my toe on one of the rocks
And found tar all over my feet.

I sat on the crisps, spilt juice in the sand
And trod on the suncream, and then
Saw the children were digging up horrible things
Which we hurriedly buried again.

Then dark heavy clouds took over the sky
And a sea breeze began to blow:
So we huddled together and shivered a bit,
Waiting for the sun to show.

There was sand in the sandwiches, flies in the drinks
And the paper plates blew far away.
The ice cream had melted and a wasp found the pear,
So we decided to call it a day.

We packed up our bits and trudged back to the car
To find that I'd lost my key,
And my wife had left hers in her bag in the boot
So I called out the RAC.

It was four hours later when we finally got home
And I wished we had gone to the zoo,
But even then there was more to go wrong
'Cos guess what I found on my shoe!

***

The Naturist

Bronzed and well-toned he patrols the sand,
Occasionally shading his eyes with a hand
As he stops to watch the white horses run:
An Adonis silhouetted against the sun.

He displays a stomach like a granite slab
As he struts amongst all the bodies of flab
And folds of flesh and cellulite
That really ought to be out of sight.

He pauses to chat and then carries on,
His ego fuelled by the comparison,
And he sees the women all watching him
Wishing their men could be that slim.

With buttocks firm and a chin to match
He knows he'd be the perfect catch
And proudly expands his manly chest,
But to everyone else he looks just like the rest.

***

The Car Wash

In the early evening with the rush hour in full flow
To the local car wash I thought that I would go.
Through the crowded forecourt I drove my dirty car
Straight into the bay where the big green rollers are.

Everything was normal as I put my money in,
I sat and watched the rollers as they began to spin.
But suddenly I realised to my great dismay
The aerial was up, I had not put it away.

The bay was full of water, the jets were very near,
But out I madly jumped, no time to think of fear.
I skidded round the headlight, much quicker than I planned,
And grabbed the bloody aerial which broke off in my hand.

No chance to get back in the car and now quite soaking wet
I didnít know when I jumped out the car alarm had set.
So when it started rocking as the brush went round and round
The siren started wailing - a most disturbing sound.

Trying to pretend that I was really unconcerned
I hoped that no-one noticed just how much my poor cheeks burned,
'Cos everyoneís attention had seemed to turn to me
And in that momentís freeze-frame I wished that I could flee.

So the moral of this story is - if thereís a dirty mark
Never use the car wash unless itís after dark.

 


Serious

Now That I'm Gone

No more can I leave footprints in the snow or in the sand
And you can only touch me with your heart and not your hand.
I don't ask that you should grieve for me or demand that you wear black,
You have your life in front of you, don't let me hold you back.
So remember if you wish to, don't be forced to play a role
But be yourself, the one I loved before life took its toll.
I don't know if you will hear me but I'll try to raise my voice:
I didn't want to leave you, there really was no choice.

***

Last Rights

Let me sit for a while and drink in the air
So fresh here upon the hill.
Let me stare at the sky and count all the clouds
Until I have drunk my fill.
Let me climb to the top and feel I am king
Of everything I survey.
Let me do all these things before it's too late
And time has slipped away.

Let me stand on a cliff and watch as the waves
Crash down on the rocks below.
Let me answer the gulls that circle above
Crying a sad hello.
Let me walk on the shore, leave prints in the sand,
And watch as they're washed away.
Let me do all these things before it's too late
And I have no more say.

Let me walk through the trees and kick up the leaves
That cover the woodland floor.
Let me sit by a lake that mirrors the sky
And pray I have time for more.
Let me reach out and touch the hand of my love
Who has never once turned me away.
Let me do all these things before it's too late
And darkness hides the day.

***

The Tramp

a Christmas poem

In through the gate came a figure well muffled,
But cold were the feet of the tramp
As up the path to the house he shuffled
Through snow brightly lit by his lamp.

Frost-covered bushes and trees watched him pass,
The snow hid the doorstep from sight.
And just like pendants of sculptured glass
Icicles shone in the light.

Quite how he entered is not to be told,
But he did so not making a sound.
And soon his bones were not quite so cold
As he sipped at the whisky he found.

Upstairs the family was asleep and in dream,
Downstairs the tramp had to smile
For he'd just found a plate of mince pie and cream,
A taste he'd not known for a while.

Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand
He sighed and then dozed in a chair.
Lost in a warm and magical land
He did not hear the creak of the stair.

For it's Christmas Morning and the children can't wait,
Bursting through the door they see -
An empty glass and an empty plate
And presents under the tree

But of the tramp there is not a trace
Just crumbs on the arm of a chair.
"He's been! He's been!" says the joy on each face
But perhaps he was never there.

***

all the above works are copyright David Axton © All Rights Reserved

To Top of Page