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Saddam Versus Paddy
Anonymous
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his
telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This
is Paddy down at the Harp pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to
inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important
news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation,
"there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and
the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men
in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war
is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm
tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armoured personnel carriers. I've increased my army to 1 ½ million
since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to
you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified
Harrigan"s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
four boys from the Shamrock pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My
military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites, and since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO
MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring
you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin',
Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the
war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch
of pints, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
