Some of my Favourites : Humorous
Change Of Address
(Nov 2001)
Dear friend, please note that my address
Has changed since you were last my guest,
When you just walked in through my door
And one week's stay turned into four.
You made me sit up late at nights
While you put all the world to rights
But every day you'd stay in bed
While I went out with aching head.
And later with the setting sun
I found the dishes still weren't done
And there you were just watching "Cheers"
Drinking one of my cold beers.
You took control of my whole life
I'm sure you thought I was your wife
And when at last you went your way
Not a penny did you pay.
So now I've moved you'll want to know
And maybe come again - and so
In case you feel that way disposed
My new address is not enclosed. ***
The Walrus And The Dentist
(May 2001)
British dentists went to operate on walrus tusks in Moscow Zoo.
The elderly walrus was a sad old fellow
Whose teeth were turning extremely yellow
He had such pain from one large tusk
That all he could eat was a soggy rusk
Gone for him was the shellfish diet,
Which meant that meals were very quiet.
Then along came a dentist from Enfield Chase
Who'd been called in just for this case
He asked the walrus to open wide
And then had a jolly good look inside
But when he emerged he looked like death
'Cos there's nothing as bad as a walrus' bad breath.
He said, "We'll need anaesthetic before we begin"
And promptly downed a bottle of gin
Then pushed and tugged, hammered and drilled
Until two teeth were finally filled
And one large tusk lay on the floor
Next to the dentist, who'd started to snore.
The walrus explored his mouth with his tongue
Quite pleased with what the dentist had done
For the crunching of shellfish could now begin
And he grinned a very lopsided grin
While the dentist dreamt of presenting his account
'Cos a very large tooth meant a very large amount.
***
The Mugging
(Jan 2002)
When my guard was down they attacked from behind
With a blow to the head - now I wake up to find
There's a sort of red mist in front of one eye
And my tongue's gone all rubbery and my mouth is so dry.
There's a part of my head that floats on its own
And a pain when I move that just makes me groan.
My stomach and its contents have ceased to be friends
And are now parting company via both ends.
I ought to get up but I'm frightened to try,
I just want to lie here and hope that I'll die.
I can't understand how I came to be caught
By those two nasty muggers - red wine and port. ***
Cat and Mouse
(Jun 2004)
I'm crawling around on my hands and knees
Coaxing with rulers and tempting with cheese
And moving each moveable thing in the house
Trying to save a poor little mouse.
The thing never wanted to be with me here,
My cat was the one who had the idea.
She presented it to me with obvious pride
Then poked it about till it ran off to hide.
I put out the cat with a flea in her ear
But the mouse doesn't know that I'm nothing to fear
So he hides in the corners and under the chairs -
I don't stand a chance if he gets under the stairs.
Mice can run fast, so I have now found
And they don't always keep their feet on the ground
For just when I've got him what does he do?
He jumps through the air like a kangaroo.
It's over three hours on my hands and knees
And I'm losing my patience and using my cheese
So I've let the poor cat back into the house
In the hope that she'll help to get rid of the mouse.
But what does she do? She treats me with scorn.
She has a good wash, a stretch and a yawn
And heads for the garden - as if to say,
'You've taken my toy so get on and play'.
***
The Funambulist
(Mar 2004)
Roger was a funambulist, which may not mean a thing
To anyone not interested in balancing on string.
He used to use his washing line for a dry run every day
But the line just kept on breaking and the knots got in the way.
He then became quite expert and the washing line was gone:
The cables of a suspension bridge were what he walked upon.
I'd like to say you'd see him every weekday without fail,
But he wasn't there one Thursday 'cos they said there'd be a gale
And he got a trifle windy when the weather got the same,
And said that should he be blown off it would be an awful shame.
Yes, Roger was a funambulist with a long and slender pole
Which, when he did funambulate, played quite a major role.
It was very light and whippy with a tendency to bend,
Like on the day a seagull calmly perched upon one end
But Roger was an expert and he countered with a sway,
Which should have been the answer but the seagull flew away
And left the poor man teetering upon the brink of death,
While down below a crowd had gathered and held collective breath.
The watchers' gruesome lust for blood wasn't satisfied that day
For Roger caught his balance, so the crowd just walked away.
Yes, Roger was a funambulist which meant he'd lots of pluck
But when it came to romance he just didn't have much luck.
He joined a "lonely hearts" club which broke his lonely heart,
For he loved a female funambulist but they were poles apart.
So the next week all the papers told of how he'd lost control
And fallen from the suspension bridge 'cos he hadn't used his pole
But things had gone full circle, as they found when he was gone,
For Roger had actually used his pole to hang his washing on. ***
The Car Wash
(Mar 2001)
Yes, this really happened to one of my family!
In the early evening with the rush hour in full flow
To the local car wash I thought that I would go.
Through the crowded forecourt I drove my dirty car
Straight into the bay where the big green rollers are.
Everything was normal as I put my money in,
I sat and watched the rollers as they began to spin.
But suddenly I realised to my great dismay
The aerial was up, I had not put it away.
The bay was full of water, the jets were very near,
But out I madly jumped, no time to think of fear.
I skidded round the headlight, much quicker than I planned,
And grabbed the bloody aerial which broke off in my hand.
No chance to get back in the car and now quite soaking wet
I didn’t know when I jumped out the car alarm had set.
So when it started rocking as the brush went round and round
The siren started wailing - a most disturbing sound.
Trying to pretend I was really unconcerned
I hoped that no-one noticed just how much my poor cheeks burned,
'Cos everyone’s attention had seemed to turn to me
And in that moment’s freeze-frame I wished that I could flee.
So the moral of this story is - if there’s a dirty mark
Never use the car wash unless it’s after dark. ***
A Day By The Sea, 1980
(Sep 2002)
I'm renowned for the quality of my 'days out'
'Where shall we go?' I asked, and they said
The beach was the place to be
So we loaded the car and after an hour
I was parked a mile from the sea.
We walked to the beach, me, my wife and the kids,
With arms full of all we would need:
Buckets and spades and bats and balls
And things for a jolly good feed.
I laid out a blanket with a rock on each corner
And said it was time we should eat,
Then stubbed my toe on one of the rocks
And found tar all over my feet.
I sat on the crisps, spilt juice in the sand
And trod on the suncream, and then
Saw the children were digging up horrible things
Which we hurriedly buried again.
Then dark heavy clouds took over the sky
And a sea breeze began to blow:
So we huddled together and shivered a bit,
Waiting for the sun to show.
There was sand in the sandwiches, flies in the drinks
And the paper plates blew far away.
The ice cream had melted and a wasp found the pear,
So we decided to call it a day.
We packed up our bits and trudged back to the car
To find that I'd lost my key,
And my wife had left hers in her bag in the boot
So I called out the RAC.
It was four hours later when we finally got home
And I wished we had gone to the zoo,
But even then there was more to go wrong
'Cos guess what I found on my shoe! ***
Penguins Don't Play Beachball
(Jul 2001)
Penguins don't play beachball
It's something they can't be taught
Because the ball is much too big
And their arms are much too short.
But sliding on their tummies
Is a game they love to play
The fact that they've just fallen over
Is purely by the way.
'Cos balance is a problem
When your arms are incomplete
And it's very hard to walk on ice
When you cannot see your feet.
They even tried some skating once
But they hadn't got the knack
And nothing looks as silly as
A penguin on its back.
And that's the worst position,
Looking at the sky.
It always makes them feel so sad
Knowing they can't fly. ***
Willy's Shortcomings
(Jul 2001)
Willy the worm is the longest worm
That anyone has ever seen
His front end is long, his back end is long
And he's very long in between.
When being introduced for the very first time
People often make the mistake
Of assuming he isn't a worm at all
But a slower than average snake.
He doesn't fit in like the other worms do
And can never go out on a date
'Cos his front end will always arrive too early
While his back end is always too late.
One day while wriggling around in the garden
He thought he'd found a friend
Till a passing beetle told him that
He was chatting up his own rear end.
Totally embarrassed, he wanted to hide
In his own little world of despair
But when you're a worm of enormous proportions
Everyone knows you are there.
So now he's decided on an operation,
The plans have all been made,
And everyday he lies in the flowerbed
Waiting for the man with the spade. ***
Two Sticks For Poohsticks - Part 1
(Apr 2001)
Poohsticks, played by Christopher
Robin, Winnie-The-Pooh, Piglet and,
inadvertently, Eeyore consists of dropping sticks into water off one side of
a bridge and seeing which is first to appear on the other side.
Fred and Bill, young stick insects,
Were finding life quite tame
Till Fred overheard some children
Talking about a game.
The game concerned was Poohsticks
And it sounded fun to him,
A little bit of diving
Followed by a swim.
So they got their trunks and towels
And went down to the brook
Then stood upon the little bridge
To have a proper look.
"There's quite a lot of water,"
Said Bill as he looked down
"You're a better swimmer
So don't you let me drown."
"Of course not!" answered Fred,
But not quite sure at all
'Cos many years had now gone by
Since he had learnt the crawl.
They both stood on the lowest rail
Ready for the race
Fred counted "One two three and GO!"
And they jumped out into space.
Down they went together
But Fred could not resist
Doing a backward somersault
With pike and double twist.
So by the time he landed
In the water there beneath
Bill was half a yard away
And sitting on a leaf.
"That's cheating!" spluttered Fred
As Bill went floating by
And if anyone were watching
They might have seen him cry.
But Fred was made of sterner stuff
And soon his eyes were clearer
Well, clear enough to see the bridge
Was further off, not nearer!
They hadn't thought to see which way
The water gurgled past
And now the leaf on which Bill sat
Was disappearing fast.
With the current getting stronger
Fred struck out for the shore
And when at last he reached the bank
He could see the leaf no more.
Tired and dejected
And thinking thoughts of Bill
He slowly made his way back home
Before he caught a chill.
And now each day Fred has a dip
In case he should forget
The times he had with his friend Bill
Who's still not come home yet.
***
all the above works are copyright David Axton © All Rights Reserved
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