A Page of Poems : General Humour - 1
Nice And Easy Does It
(Jan 2002)
George W Bush had a well-publicised choking experience with a pretzel
just as I was writing this verse.
I'm going to go on a diet
In order to lose twenty pounds.
The book says it's going to be easy,
I hope it's as good as it sounds.
I've got to take things pretty slowly,
I don't think it's clever to hurry:
To lose weight too quickly at my age
Would only make everyone worry.
A good two-year plan is the answer
And the way is incredibly clear:
I'll just leave the book in the bookshop
And come back again next year.
------
While writing this verse I discovered
An alternative to use at a push.
If I really want to cut down on eating
I could always eat pretzels like Bush. ***
The Car Wash
(Mar 2001)
Yes, this really happened to one of my family!
In the early evening with the rush hour in full flow
To the local car wash I thought that I would go.
Through the crowded forecourt I drove my dirty car
Straight into the bay where the big green rollers are.
Everything was normal as I put my money in,
I sat and watched the rollers as they began to spin.
But suddenly I realised to my great dismay
The aerial was up, I had not put it away.
The bay was full of water, the jets were very near,
But out I madly jumped, no time to think of fear.
I skidded round the headlight, much quicker than I planned,
And grabbed the bloody aerial which broke off in my hand.
No chance to get back in the car and now quite soaking wet
I didn’t know when I jumped out the car alarm had set.
So when it started rocking as the brush went round and round
The siren started wailing - a most disturbing sound.
Trying to pretend that I was really unconcerned
I hoped that no-one noticed just how much my poor cheeks burned,
'Cos everyone’s attention had seemed to turn to me
And in that moment’s freeze-frame I wished that I could flee.
So the moral of this story is - if there’s a dirty mark
Never use the car wash unless it’s after dark.
Change Of Address
(Nov 2001)
Dear friend, please note that my address
Has changed since you were last my guest,
When you just walked in through my door
And one week's stay turned into four.
You made me sit up late at nights
While you put all the world to rights
But every day you'd stay in bed
While I went out with aching head.
And later with the setting sun
I found the dishes still weren't done
And there you were just watching "Cheers"
Drinking one of my cold beers.
You took control of my whole life
I'm sure you thought I was your wife
And when at last you went your way
Not a penny did you pay.
So now I've moved you'll want to know
And maybe come again - and so
In case you feel that way disposed
My new address is not enclosed. ***
Clairvoyant Required
(Jul 2000)
I'd like to know what's round the bend
And what my journey has in store
But I'm travelling blind
'Cos I'm stuck behind
Yet another off road four-by-four. ***
Career
Decision At The Age Of Seven
(1998)
Standing at
the roadside in some very heavy rain
I didn't see the puddle that was covering the drain
Until a bus went by and splashed me toe to shoulder,
That's when I decided what to be when I grew older. ***
The Naturist
(Jan 2004)
Bronzed and well-toned he patrols the sand,
Occasionally shading his eyes with a hand
As he stops to watch the white horses run:
An Adonis silhouetted against the sun.
He displays a stomach like a granite slab
As he struts amongst all the bodies of flab
And folds of flesh and cellulite
That really ought to be out of sight.
He pauses to chat and then carries on,
His ego fuelled by the comparison,
And he sees the women all watching him
Wishing their men could be that slim.
With buttocks firm and a chin to match
He knows he'd be the perfect catch
And proudly expands his manly chest,
But to everyone else he looks just like the rest. ***
A Golf Lesson
(Jun 2001)
For those of you who need some aid
In making sure your game is played
To the very best of your potential
I've written down what I was taught
And some improvement really ought
To be expected to be consequential.
You mustn't grip the club too tight,
And keep two knuckles well in sight
And never ever let the left arm bend.
Unless of course you have to play
With clubs that face the other way,
In which case just reflect on things my friend.
You must be careful with your swing
It must not come from out to in
'Cos that will always give you quite a slice.
And likewise don't swing in to out
You'll then start hooking without doubt
So swing both straight and true is my advice.
A supple wrist and practiced hand
Is what will get you out of sand
And make you look a proper golfing star
But if you forget to follow through
The ball may stick as if in glue
And you may have to light a small cigar.
If you don't open the face enough
The club gets caught up in the rough
And there's no chance you'll anything but hack.
To give yourself an even chance
Make sure you've got an open stance
And stand with the ball a little further back.
On the green you have to learn
To read just how the ball might turn
And judge how fast it really needs to roll.
When putting, be a pendulum
And let the putter slowly come
Through the ball and then on to the hole.
Later at the clubhouse bar
Saying how unlucky you are
And that you really have had better scores,
Remember that it's just a game
But if there should be any blame
Believe you me, it's nobody's but yours.
***
Maybe Tomorrow
(Sep 2000)
It's not always easy to summon the muse -
When asked, the brain can often refuse
To make the effort required to think.
You can take a horse to water
But you can't make it drink. ***
Local Counsellor
(Aug 2001)
I'm your local counsellor,
On hand both day and night
To help you come to terms with all
The things that don't go right.
Did you miss your bus today?
Or was there too much rain?
You didn't win the lottery?
You can always try again.
As your local counsellor
I'm paid to hear you moan
'Cos no-one these days is allowed
To cope with things alone.
So tell me all your problems
And I'll show you that I care,
I'll hug you and I'll hold your hand
And gently say "There, there."
And when you're feeling happier
And pleased to be alive
I'll slip away, 'cos I must meet
My counsellor at five. ***
Good And Bad
(May 2003)
There's something good in everyone
But some find bad is much more fun
And go about their lives with zest
Not thinking how they hurt the rest
While those who claim to be so good
Don't always do the things they should
Which shows when all is said and done
There's good and bad in everyone. ***
Dear Auntie Beeb
(Sep 2003)
You have to be British and getting on a bit to remember a couple of these!
My tv licence soon expires
So renewal time is here,
But will I get the same repeats
Repeated again next year?
"Open All Hours" is on at all hours,
"Only Fools And Horses" too,
And you're showing those classic B-movies
That seemed old even when they were new.
So what is going on at the BBC?
You don't seem to give a fig:
I'm waiting to see if next week we get
Mr Pastry and "Wirlygig".
"Hi-De-Hi", "Frost" and "Bergerac"
Crop up more now than then
And I've heard an ugly rumour that
The Interlude's back again.
We know that money's getting tight
So if you really haven't gotta,
Why go out and spend ten million
On bloody Harry Potter?
Yes, my tv licence soon expires
And what to do is clear:
I'm sending in a photocopy
Of the cheque I sent last year ***
An Old Man's Proposal
(Sep 2003)
I know that I said we would take in a film
And then a romantic meal
But I've a better idea for this our first date
And I'm ringing to see how you'd feel.
I remember my youth, when sex was the craze
And how night after night we chased it
But now, at my age, if I should get the urge
It would be such a shame to waste it
So why don't I come straight over to yours?
And to hell with the thrill of the chase:
Just wear black stockings and bright red suspenders
And I'll bring a thingummy - just in case.
Now I know this may sound a little bit forward
But I'm almost beginning to lust
And this could well be my very last chance
So I feel it's a case of needs must.
Please say I can come straight over to yours,
That you don't need the thrill of the chase:
I'm hoping you're into black stockings and suspenders
But I'll bring along mine - just in case. ***
all the above works are copyright David Axton © All Rights Reserved
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