A Page of Poems : General Humour - 5
The Digital Age
(Feb 2005)
First I bought an Apple i-Pod
And music filled my head,
Then the latest Samsung mobile,
"State of the art", they said.
An 8 megapixel camera followed
To record my life just right
And then an Epson PictureMate
To print those pics each night.
Then a DVD recorder with
A hard drive (and a spare)
And a Sony laptop, fully wireless,
To take just anywhere
Then after about eleven months
I woke one sunny day
To find that they were obsolete,
So I chucked them all away
Which only goes to show that progress
Requires us to keep spending,
So I need to win the Lottery
'Cos progress is never-ending.
***
A Day By The Sea, 1980
(Sep 2002)
I'm renowned for the quality of my 'days out'
'Where shall we go?' I asked, and they said
The beach was the place to be
So we loaded the car and after an hour
I was parked a mile from the sea.
We walked to the beach, me, my wife and the kids,
With arms full of all we would need:
Buckets and spades and bats and balls
And things for a jolly good feed.
I laid out a blanket with a rock on each corner
And said it was time we should eat,
Then stubbed my toe on one of the rocks
And found tar all over my feet.
I sat on the crisps, spilt juice in the sand
And trod on the suncream, and then
Saw the children were digging up horrible things
Which we hurriedly buried again.
Then dark heavy clouds took over the sky
And a sea breeze began to blow:
So we huddled together and shivered a bit,
Waiting for the sun to show.
There was sand in the sandwiches, flies in the drinks
And the paper plates blew far away.
The ice cream had melted and a wasp found the pear,
So we decided to call it a day.
We packed up our bits and trudged back to the car
To find that I'd lost my key,
And my wife had left hers in her bag in the boot
So I called out the RAC.
It was four hours later when we finally got home
And I wished we had gone to the zoo,
But even then there was more to go wrong
'Cos guess what I found on my shoe!
***
Sandra Goes Shopping
(Oct 2004)
Sandra went over to France
To sample the wine and the food
But the locals were not very friendly,
In fact they were all pretty rude
So after a week she decided
That she just couldn't stand any more,
But before she came home she went shopping
And entered a clothing store.
She was the only customer in there
And she was going through clothes on a rack
When an assistant abruptly approached her,
So she went straight on the attack
"No, I'm quite happy looking!" she quickly snapped
Before he could utter a word
And then carried on pushing the hangers
While three more assistants conferred.
It was plain they were being aggressive
As at Sandra they quite rudely stared,
But she wasn't going to be intimidated
Or show that she really cared
So she went through the rack once again
And took just as long as she could
Then said in a very disgusted voice
That the quality wasn't too good
Then she left with her head held high,
Unaware of her misdemeanours
And she never even realised
She'd been to the local dry cleaners.
***
Writer's Block
(Jun 2003)
The pen is motionless in my hand
And my palms are getting damp:
I've got the dreaded writer's block
When I'd like the writer's cramp.
Occasionally the muscles stir
And my hand begins to move,
But it's just another silly doodle
'Cos I'm stuck well in the groove.
There must be something I can write,
Something witty or rare
That'll make the world sit back and think,
Or at least get me out of this chair.
I could try and write about the man
At the clothing recycling bin
Who, trying to find something to wear,
Overreached and then fell in.
He must have been virtually naked
Or just incredibly thin,
For the opening is not very big at all
On a clothing recycling bin.
In what was quite a sorry affair
There was a stroke of luck
For he did have a mobile phone on which
He reported that he was stuck.
The fire brigade soon arrived at speed
Then, laughing, fell about
And it took them quite a while before
They were ready to cut him out.
Yet somehow it doesn't seem to work
For although the story's true
It doesn't have a proper ending
And therefore will not do!
So I screw the paper in a ball
And throw it at the clock.
Oh! it's such an awful waste of time
Suffering from writer's block. ***
The Weather Girl
(Dec 2001)
I've fallen in love with the weather girl
I'm her slave every time she appears
I go weak when she mentions her thermals
And her lows just reduce me to tears.
I imagine her wearing green wellies
As she tells me that rain's on the way
And I drool at the thought of her swimsuit
When she says it will be a nice day.
She has total control of my movements
If she tells me to stay in, I do.
Then I search through the channels to find her
For without her my skies are not blue.
Who cares if she talks about cold snaps?
It's her warm front that captures my heart
Yet, while isobars bring us together,
We're still weather systems apart. ***
Wind of Change
(June 2005)
I've started on my diet and all the goodies have been binned
But now that I am eating less there's lots more room for wind
And through my miles of tubing I can hear it gurgle round
Until it makes an exit with a most explosive sound.
Now there are other problems as it struggles to get free
For it presses on my bladder and makes me want to pee
So I satisfy the craving but it's driving me insane
'Cos then my stomach gurgles and - here we go again.
I wonder why this happens every time I'm on a diet
And why it always waits until everybody's quiet.
I used to think that life was great, and what could ever spoil it?
But now if you can't find me I'll be hiding in the toilet.
***
all the above works are copyright David Axton © All Rights Reserved
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