General Humour

Maureen And The Salesman

Nov 2004

If you haven't already done so, I suggest you read  Maureen's Magic Moment  first

It was eight o'clock on a Friday night
In a place called Eccles End
When a travelling salesman found himself
Alone without a friend.

He saw the lights of a hostelry,
A pub called "The Butting Goat"
And he thought it seemed the very place
To wet his tired throat.

He parked his car and entered
Through a door that just said "Bar"
And stepped into a cloud of smoke
From a very large cigar.

He coughed and bumped around a bit
Till his watering eyes could see,
Then found himself beside a girl
Who watched him curiously.

He thought, she looks quite pretty
And a flirt would do no harm,
So he smiled his bestest salesman smile
And turned on all the charm

"Let me buy you another drink,"
He said between his tears
And she wobbled dangerously on her stool
As she answered with a "Cheers."

He dabbed his eyes with his handkerchief
And as his vision cleared
The girl put on about thirty years,
And the beginnings of a beard.

"Are you alright?" the woman asked
And wobbled a little more
And the salesman suddenly noticed
What he hadn't seen before.

For the woman sat there legless
And not through too much booze
But actually without the limbs
To warrant tights and shoes.

"My God!" the salesman said out loud
Then quickly apologized
For he really was a decent sort;
Just more than a bit surprised

So it might have been his curiosity
Or just pity that made him stay
But he bought another round and then
Another was on the way.

She said her name was Maureen
And she'd been lonely too
Until she'd met her Marvo,
A clumsy magician who

Had made her feel so wanted
That her feelings grew quite strong,
And full of gin she'd helped him with
A trick that went so wrong.

Then things were getting hazy
As the woman told her tale
And at the very gruesome part
The salesman turned quite pale

For he'd never ever met before
A woman sawn in half:
Indeed, a woman who seemed to think
It was all a bit of a laugh.

He heard the sound of saw on bone
And smelt the blood and gore
And promptly fell into a heap
Upon the dirty floor.

A gentle shaking woke him up:
He groaned and raised his head
And a voice said, "Hey that's better,
"We thought you might be dead."

"You came in here a while ago
"And began to fall about,
"Then you hit your head on that low oak beam
"And knocked yourself clean out!"

"That's very strange," the salesman said,
"There was a legless woman here."
And the room took on a respectful hush
And no one touched their beer.

"Ah, that's the ghost of Maureen,"
Said the barman with pursed lips,
"She visits every now and then,
"Well, the bit above the hips."

He explained that she'd been haunting
When the salesman fell about
And he must have made her think of Marvo
When he gave his head a clout

But he really should feel flattered,
It was pretty scary but
Normally, to see her there,
People had to be half-cut.

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the above work is copyright David Axton © All Rights Reserved