Limericks

"The limerick packs laughs anatomical,
Into space that is quite economical;
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones are so seldom comical."
( Vyvyan Holland )

and now mine - some clean, some not

A crossword compiler from Crewe
Had never had sex it was true
So she tried a young man
In the back of a van
But sadly he hadn't a clue

(a funeral limerick - by request)
Here we are for your final farewell
For your journey to Heaven or Hell
But we won't keep you long
Just a prayer and a song
'Cos we think you're beginning to smell

He stared at the waxwork and thought
The likeness was perfectly caught
Which was certainly proved
When it suddenly moved
And asked for the ticket he'd bought

They say sex when you're old is still fun
Just as long as you walk and don't run
But it comes as a shock
When you're still in one sock
And things have already begun

Penguins Don't Play Beachball

I brought home a brand new tv
And switched on but nought could I see
Now here comes the rub
When bought in a pub
You don't get a year's guarantee

There's an old man from west Galashiels
Who's a victim of silly ideals
For he used to mend shoes
Till he heard on the news
Of the shortage of fresh sole and eels

I was asked for a limerick that includes the words "oxygen", "health" & "eyes"
Lots of oxygen's good for the brain
For without it one could go insane
And there is no disguise
For the look in the eyes
When one's health has gone right down the drain

There was a young man from Caerphilly
With a member enormously silly
All the women would queue
Just to get a good view
As he flashed it about willy-nilly


Welsh farmers are known to like sheep
Though not in the style of Bo Peep
They're hands-on it seems
Which leads to sweet dreams
'Cos the exercise helps them to sleep

Young Tommy loved wearing things frilly
And thought his apendage looked silly
So he changed his whole life
With a very sharp knife
And now he's not Tommy, he's Tilly

An old stripper from east of Dijon
Just refused to believe youth had gone
When her clothes hit the floor
So did every man's jaw
But they cheered when she put them back on

A young gardener from Bennington Rise
Had great trouble adjusting his flies
All the judges concurred
That his marrows came third
While the gardener himself won the prize

Penguins Don't Play Beachball

There was an old drunk from Kilblane
Who wandered for miles in the rain
His hat it did shrink
Which then made him think
His head was too small for his brain

"May I ask if you'd like the next dance?"
Said the man with the very strange stance
But the girl shook her head
And then quite sweetly said,
"With those two wooden legs not a chance!"

An old Inuit hooker named Belle
Hit her head on the ice when she fell
On her funeral day
The church bell had to play
To the rhythm of "Eskimo Nell".
Not heard of Eskimo Nell?  then search Google, but be warned!

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the above work is copyright David Axton © All Rights Reserved